Friday, August 20, 2010

Moving Day

Today is our moving day!!!!  I can't wait to put the nursery together, I am sooo excited!

Things are going well.  Josh FINALLY got a new job out of Chicago.  The drive down there was killing us in gas, and his poor car.  Now he's the Director of Security for a firm out of Milwaukee...soooo much closer.  He is so excited, and I am so proud of him.  He has been needing a break since he got back from Iraq, and nothing was coming through.

Only 7 more weeks till baby Rylan makes his appearance.  I'm still going back and forth about getting an epidural with this one.  I didn't have one with William, but I seriously do not want to go thru all that pain again.  On the other hand, the thought of something being inserted into my back like that totally freaks me out.  

Mom and Dad will be here November 17 and I'm uber happy!  I've missed my Mom sooo much during this pregnancy.  She's staying till almost March, even though Dad is going back right after Christmas for all of January.  I am so grateful for her help.  She has NEVER been away from my Dad for longer than a week (and that was just recently!).  She's the best Mom ever :)  Also my sister is coming back home for Christmas.  It's been almost 3 years since I've seen her.  She hasn't even met Josh yet!  So now she gets to meet her new nephew and brother in law.  lol

Hope everyone has a good weekend, time for me to hop in the shower and get ready for this move :)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Just one of the reasons she's my BFF

I did not write this (as it will become obvious), but my best friend did.  She wrote this right after Josh left from R&R.  There are countless reasons why she is my best friend.  This is just one of them.  She will always have my back no matter what, when, how, where or why.  She is more like my sister.  I will forever be blessed to have a friend like her in my life.  And every time I read this blog that she wrote, I am moved to tears, and I say a silent prayer thanking God for sending her my way.

This morning started like every other military day.  I woke up at four, listening to the other soldier getting ready to go.  Around four thirty I rolled out of the area designated for me for the night.  I mumbled something about is good, don't cut that shit with sugar.  I made it to the latrine without noticing if the lights were on or off because I have that sixth sense that alerts me to a three day pack and various other Army accessories strewn on the floor.   I washed up and changed in the bathroom out of my day pack. I come out to see SPC Dickerson searching frantically for a hand reciept.  I ask him what it was for (like it matters).  I do what any SGT would do, ask him if maybe the Army has a copy.  I know they do, he knows they do, and we move closer to getting out the door and to the SP. 
His wife emerges from their bedroom and states she is ready to go.  Today is the last day of his leave from the sandbox, the war, the rebuilding of a place that neither of us want to go back to again.  We talked about it last night, but this morning, before dawn breaks, we three have fallen into silent acknowledgement of reality. 
She is my best friend.  I have never been on the side of the military wife, the family, the ones who are left behind to worry and miss us while we go do "Army shit".  I have always been the one dropped at the airport.  I have kissed my children and thought, "if this is the last time, I pray they know how much I love them."  Then I hit the kill switch on my emotions until the day I am back in their sights. 
But right now, watching it from the other side, the side that leaves me to wonder what I could possibly say or do to ease her mind, I am just lost.  She knows me and knows that emotional expression, minus the occasional rage, is far beyond my reach.  I am practical, I am realistic, I am probably the worst person to be next to her for support right now.  But I am her best friend.  So here I am, making small talk, driving home, drinking cold coffee and wishing I had my mother's compassionate touch, my grandmother's easy way, my aunt's comforting voice.  Something to reach out with other than my ability to make her laugh a little. 
I offered to go with her knowing that I suck at this.  She accepted knowing I suck at this.  This is the strength of our friendship.  I hope she knows that I feel so much more than I show.  I know he knows I take him to the airport because I expect to see him return, no excuses.
I think about my family and how easy it is for me to transition from mother to soldier...and how difficult it must be for my family to watch me do just that.  I think about how my best friend has dealt with this deployment and how she dealt with mine.  I conclude they and she are stronger than I because they hold hope longer than I ever thought could be possible.  I am proud of her.  I wish that just for one moment I could truly understand the pain and sadness that she feels. 
But I can't.  This war requires that I am detached.  This war demands that I keep no strong emotional tethers other than the good times we share as warriors, a memory to look back on, not a relationship to look forward to until they hit CONUS again.  I have heard its not a good thing to deal this way but fuck it, its how we roll. 
I have no ancedote, no cute way to tie this blog up into a neat little package.  I haven't found a healthy way to deal with difficult emotions.  I didn't stop at a coffee shop and run into someone inspiring or read an article that soothed my unsettled mind.  Just this: I love you both.  Fight the good fight.   

Friday, August 6, 2010

Thank you baby Rylan

For the constant insomnia, heartburn and bruising inside!  lol

29 weeks down, 10ish more to go.  It can't come soon enough.  Not only am I ridiculously excited to hold my lil peanut, but I'm not gonna lie, I absolutely can NOT wait to be able to sleep in whatever position I want, and to be able to move normal again!!!  I had forgotten what being pregnant was like.  To go to sleep with no heartburn would be lovely.  Actually, to go to sleep at all would be welcome at this point!  lol  

We are moving in 2 weeks, another thing I can't wait for.  I'm ready for his nursery to be put together :)  We got all his furniture, quite a steal I might add.  Crib, dresser & changing table for $200 at the PX.  SWEET!!!  We got the mattress, the pack n play, his bedding set and tonz of clothes.  I'm so excited to set everything up!  Next thing on the list is car seat and then just the little stuff like diapers, bottles, powder, wipes, ect.

Not only am I excited about his arrival (obviously), and my parents arrival (YAY!), but I absolutely can not wait to have 6 weeks away from the office!!!!  Sure, I'll be tired and up at night w/baby boy, but I don't care!  I can stay in PJ's and not have to worry about a damn thing when it comes to that place!  I am ecstatic about this.  Probably more than I should be lol.

Really looking forward to Mom & Dad being here for Rylan's 1st Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Even though Dad is going back right after Christmas, Mom is staying till the end of February.  They are so selfless it's amazing to me.  I truly am blessed to have them as parents.

Ok, gonna try this sleep thing (again) and see how far I get...